I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My inexpensive home security system…
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.