Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
a badder mouse
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.