white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
pep talk
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag