Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.