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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those