What number SPF blocks people?
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!