*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”