We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
#NeverForget
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!