Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
You Might Also Like
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Would you wear it?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying