It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
In banana years, I am bread.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school