Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
do horses think humans are hats
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.