Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You Might Also Like
Lunatics are gonna loon.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg