Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick