Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
thanks auntie mary
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed