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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there