Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*