[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol