My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.