what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I love the National Park Service.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.