The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
You Might Also Like
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Sponch
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts