Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“A little help here, Danny?”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan