I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I have no passwords left in me
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The glockness monster
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.