Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
no one likes gloating
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Its true…