No, he would not have.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Rooting for the overdog
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?