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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The asteroid..
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.