Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Support your local cemetery
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
how was your vacation
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.