Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]