Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*