This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
You Might Also Like
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Still cracks me up
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*