Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I pray every night that I never become religious…
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left