A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.