*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Dear Lord..
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.