me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume