I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I don’t get marriage
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Reporter: *ports again*
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.