The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
That’s amazing.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”