Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
These 3D printers are insane!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.