Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You Might Also Like
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Happy Thanksgiving
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly