Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.