-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
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Danger is very dangerous
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Happy birthday to all the women
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.