Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The first matador
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup