Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
🤣
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.