this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
So the ex texted me
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.