Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*