[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
this isn’t threatening at all
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.