Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days