My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
The human personality is made of five key elements
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes