*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Just this preview of the story is enough
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up