santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival