Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I get distracted pretty eas
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!