I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
when revenge coincides with naptime
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…